If you've ever wondered what Beat Takeshi is really like, and how he relates to his screen persona, and how his life might have been had he taken a different fork in the road, then congratulations: you may be as fascinated by Beat Takeshi as Beat Takeshi is himself. ­Takeshis' (apparently the first instalment in a trilogy) is a flat, Fellini-esque wheeze in which our hero takes on dual roles as millionaire film-maker Beat Takeshi and a low-rent grovelling entertainer who looks just like Beat Takeshi. The script swims in tired circles, like a goldfish in a bowl, with nothing to look at but its own reflection in the glass.