The latest in our National Treasures collection – after the Stephen Fry collection, the Dame Helen Mirren collection, the regrettably premature Justin Lee Collins collection – now you can complete the set with this remarkable Clare Balding National Treasures collection. Basically some shiny rocks in a box, but all of them were hand-picked by Clare (they touched her hands, at least). She’s great, isn’t she? Photograph: Matt Blease
Everyone can remember the excitement in the multiplex when they sat down to watch The Dark Knight Rises. “At last!” went the crowd. “A villain who talks like a character from an Oscar Wilde play!” You can now imitate that significant moment for cinema in the comfort of your own drawing room. With patented Voice Oscilllating Modulation Information Technology (VOMIT), change the pitch of any voice into that of a histrionic psychopath. A simple vocal instruction makes Grandma into an brutal agent of anarchy! Also doubles effectively as a sanding mask. Photograph: Matt Blease
Breaking Bad: a traditional turn-based game that recreates all the thrills and spills of crystal meth manufacture and distribution. Take on the roles of your favourite characters, be it amoral chemist Walter White, amoral lawyer Saul Goodman or amoral chicken restaurateur Gus Fring, and compete to buiild the biggest drug empire in all of New Mexico! Photograph: Matt Blease
The Hamster is everywhere. His TV show about cars. His TV show about animals. His TV show about how animals are like cars. Everywhere. Except one place – folded up in a box next to your bed. But that changes now. Do whatever you like with your inflatable Hammond: sit with him, drive with him, strap him to your back and run around pretending to laugh at an off-colour Jeremy Clarkson joke. It’s up to you. Photograph: Matt Blease
Inspired by the success of grime pop MC Tinie Tempah, these miraculous glasses turn simply everything ”geek chic”. Whether a big tough man trying to look a bit sensitive, or a myopic adolescent pretending they’ve heard of fashion, these glasses can fix any problem. Apart from bad vision, as the lenses are made of flat plastic. Photograph: Matt Blease
Since the dawn of time, children have longed to dart after a dog in a park, intermittently calling its name and exclaiming “OH JESUS CHRIST” whenever it chases a herd of deer into oncoming traffic. Until now this has only been possible for the wealthy elite. But thanks to the Guide, there’s now My First Fenton. Run after him! Watch him spook more cervidae than you can possibly count! Become the butt of a million rubbishy Twitter jokes! All of this can be yours! Photograph: Matt Blease
Sometimes a situation requires authority. Not aggressive and alpha-male, but a quiet, humane authority. The kind that says, “My wife left me, but I still have my work.” That’s where Saul’s Beard comes in. Simply slip it on in times of crisis and exude the air of a man trying to listen to the sound of his protege shagging a terrorist suspect with as much dignity as he can muster. Photograph: Matt Blease
Ladies! Have you ever marvelled at Mary Berry’s inimitable fashion sense? Have you ever sat there wishing Paul Hollywood would look at you like that? Well, those dreams can now become reality, thanks to Mary Berry’s new fashion range. Every single item in the collection is guaranteed to be made of either a casino carpet, a Magic Eye puzzle or a piece of discontinued first world war dazzle camouflage. Photograph: Matt Blease
Pitched on the top of the head like a teat on a bottle of baby milk, the beanie hat has had a great year. Sadly, this was not the case for the people who wore it. Box contains 100 Slayer beanies, any offer accepted. Photograph: Matt Blease
Upgrade your home’s health with this kit inspired directly by the technology on the fictional USCSS Prometheus. Take care of everyday bumps and bruises with plasters and witch hazel. Deal with alien impregnation with surgical lasers and unbelievably strong self-administered opiates. This box has the lot! Photograph: Matt Blease
Ah, Qarth. Slender towers. Ornate fountains. A beautiful blue-lipped populace draped in the finest boob-baring silken robes who apologise profusely right up until they murder you. And, now that Ryanair has initiated a regular direct service from Luton, you can be there in just under four hours. NOTE: voucher can be exchanged for three weeks on The Wall. Photograph: Matt Blease
Once a beloved symbol of the UK’s Olympic hopes, Wenlock has long since fallen on hard times. Just £2 a month will provide warmth and support for this out-of-sorts mascot. It will repair his tattered fabric and stop him from leaping out of bushes at joggers in the park and dancing around obnoxiously in the mistaken belief that he’s still got it. Each donation guarantees entry in a draw to win a used Olympic gamesmaker uniform. Photograph: Matt Blease
Perhaps the most prestigious of all Thick Of It-related memorabilia – aside from the limited-edition Jamie McDonald Genital iPod – Stewart Pearson’s Dream Yurt makes a beautiful addition to the home or garden of any self-respecting eco-friendly blue-sky-thinker. Imagineer to your heart’s content beneath its hand-crafted felt awning. Counter-massage the plasmic nature of your data modelling on its sumptuous artisan beanbag. Call The Guide now and get a gold-plated ideas carousel worth £7.99 absolutely free. Photograph: Matt Blease
After the long-dead rapper was successfully revived for a performance at this year’s Coachella, you can now have the Tupac experience 365 days a year. With 150 programmable actions, including sultry ab flex and an a capella version of Dear Mama, it’s like having a real, breathing gangsta rapper in your own home. Requires own generator to power. Photograph: Matt Blease
The unlimited power source of Nordic lore is now yours to own. Ideal for powering inter-dimensional wormholes or simply conquering the world. “I love the tesseract,” says 1,300 year old Loki of Asgard,“I just wish I had one in this maximum security space prison!” Warning: is incompatible with programmable Tupac hologram. Photograph: Matt Blease
Want your watercolours just that little bit more watery? It’s a common problem for amateur painters and one that’s fixed forever with this amazing new product. Inspired by Rice’s memorable attempts to create a watercolour competition during the sodden Jubilee flotilla, simply paint as normal then chuck a full five-litre bucket of water over your work. Photograph: Matt Blease
