Time for another healthful shot of Gwyneth Paltrow’s website Goop, which further cements its reputation as Earth’s go-to retailer for late-capitalist objets-cum-harbingers that can only have been conceived as a dare. Fast superseding the Book of Revelation as the primary source for endtimes symbolism, it is a true wonder Goop can deliver so majestically, yet always seems to have more batshit merchandise in its locker when the need arises.

And even by her own exacting standards, Gwyneth’s latest offering is a triumph, comprising an exclusive range of “hip-hop-themed clutches”. To wit: compact handbags bearing the names of rappers madam admires, or holidays with in the Hamptons, or both. If your next party outfit just won’t be complete without an evening accessory bearing the glittered legend “Hov”, rest assured that Goop will provide.

For my money, the key piece in the … collection, is it? … is a double-sided Pac/Biggie “Flavia” clutch, which retails at a competitive $1,695, and effortlessly evokes an era in hip-hop that would end with both of the cited artists riddled with bullets and consigned to the great handbag inspiration archive in the sky.

Seriously, if you had to distil a coastal rap war into a hinged purse, this bad boy would be it. But don’t take it from me – take it from Gwyneth and Goop. “This one is done in pearlescent, pool-blue acrylic,” they tempt, “and emblazoned with Biggie in white on one side, and Pac in red on the other. Styled here with 3.1 Phillip Lim top.”

Wow. Is this the most Caucasian accessory ever to be produced? Answers on pearlescent pool-blue acrylic, please.