Voyeuristic missive sheaths
History: Many argued that the envelope as it was – closed on all sides with no mechanism for peering at the contents without opening it – was perfect. Not Americus F Callahan. Tired of having to commit to fully opening a letter to find out what was in it, Callahan – possibly an actual wizard – filed a patent in 1902 for an new kind of envelope. One that would blow the doors of the whole sorry envelope racket once and for all. The window envelope was born. Nothing would ever be the same.
Form: Crisp, minimal, functional, available in a variety of hues from the purest of alabaster white (for Sunday best) to the pleasing KFC gravy-brown generally used for HMRC correspondence. Envelopes, while varying in size from the usual DL 110 x 220mm to the mindbending slab that is the A4-sized C4, remain staunchly rectangular, because the world demands order and conventions are there for a reason.
Function: The benefits of the window are “manyfold” (MANY FOLD, IE AN ENVELOPE JOKE). It allows the address printed at the top-right of any letter to be used by the postal service to direct the missive, as opposed to having to write the address again on the envelope itself. This saves time and ink, and reminds us we’re not muck-knuckled beasts but higher beings. The window also facilitates a tantalising “preview” feature, where you can unpick a bit of the edge of the window and decide then whether you want to read the communique therein or save it for later (handy for head-in-the-sand avoidance of final demands or STI test results). Finally, through the same methodology, it allows you to spy much more effectively on the post of others.
Practicality: Cheap, supplied with own adhesive, lightweight, foldable. Though it should be noted that windows cannot be Pritt-sticked together to form one giant window for the purpose of temporary home, car or business repairs.
Conclusion: The windowed envelope remains a true high water mark of human engineering – one with few true parallels, besides the wheel, the Thirst Aid Beer Helmet and the original Game Boy. It’s not often when doing these reviews that 10/10 doesn’t feel like enough. So I’m giving the windowed envelope…
30/10
LH
These things
I don’t know about you but the last time I used a meme, Tinder was probably still “a bit all right” and not full of normcore freaks who “live life to the full, LOL”, with their pictures of skiing, parkouring, climbing and dancing around in paint dust at a Holi party. Honestly, when was the last time you posted up a picture of a cat playing a keyboard, coupled with a stupid phrase in capital letters, on a friend’s Facebook wall? Meme-shmeme.
But these Minions memes really do it for me: jokes so toilet they were probably nicked from the last Adam Sandler film as a cute little potato of a ’toon looks on, bemused. Sentences that don’t even make sense. Anything could come out of the mouth of that wee balding bundle of goggles and dungarees and it would be hilarious. Funny. OK, just about passable. I’m not saying I’m about to put them on my carefully curated social media channels, but the next time I need an insult, that toothbrush one will do just fine.
8/10
KH
Male flappy-sleeve prevention devices
I’ve never worn cufflinks. I’ve barely even seen a pair. So I took to a well-known virtual marketplace (AKA the world wide web) in order to the survey the current scene.
I begin by visiting the cufflinks section of MOR man haven Topman. I’m cheered to discover that they have a dedicated “cufflinks and tie pins” section but troubled that pins outnumber cufflinks by a ratio of 5:3. As for the designs, I’d characterise them as unassuming: there are plain circular ones; plain square ones; and ones with a faintly iridescent design. These are cufflinks that will speak only when spoken to, will be neither seen nor heard. They know a financially harried middle England has more pressing concerns that the contents of their button holes. The cufflinks are retiring to the sidelines accordingly, keeping their fingers crossed that they’ll be called into service at a less tumultuous date.
My next stop is ASOS. This is the place that serves populist demand more fastidiously than any high street shop. It’s also where cufflinks get disturbing. Here you’ll find every fashion of the current millennium captured within their small glass prisms: from the early 00s multi-coloured Paul Smith pinstripe, to the “indie” anchor graphic, a whimsical metal dog, the geek-based infantilisation of the Superman logo and the turn-of-the-millennium designer craze. These cufflinks are having an identity crisis: they don’t know what function they serve in modern society and are looking to the recent past for answers, a time when every single human’s job wasn’t on the brink of being stolen by a robot. (Robots don’t have cuffs; there’s a knock-on effect.)
Finally, I visit the pages of the Selfridges website. Now THIS is where the modern cufflink really comes into its own. Six whole pages of ’links to browse, from yellow crystal ones costing upwards of three-and-a-half grand, to ones depicting frightening realistic bees priced at just £2,750. The troubling prices, though, are offset by the fact these cufflinks are so self-assured; it feels nice to be in the presence of such confidence. You come out of that cufflinks section thinking maybe, just maybe, there is a place for our traditions in a future globalised world in which the value of human life will be close to zero. But only if you and everything you own is made out of 8-carat yellow gold and citrine, though, obviously.
8/10
RA
Cutesy-wutesy Twitter nonsense
The Twittersphere working itself into a lather over the interactive mechanics of Twitter? It’s the kind of weighty triviality that will surely make future generations of historians gasp in disbelief when they survey our current era from the inevitable perspective of approaching war, environmental meltdown and economic cataclysm.
If all that was under discussion was the exact means by which we register our delight at an adorable cat gif, this wouldn’t matter. But like all communication tools, Twitter has evolved into something bigger and wider. So how many hearts might be garnered by a rape threat made against a feminist campaigner? Or a Saudi dissident tweeting his last tweet before his hands are lopped off? Twitter isn’t all about the lols any more. But its nuances haven’t kept pace with its new role.
The replacement of stars with hearts feels like a conscious attempt to soften Twitter’s atmosphere. But it’s too late for that. The network is a global communication free-for-all, which, as the founders seem to have tacitly acknowledged, can’t be policed. Accordingly, the hearts feel jarringly irrelevant; like a single, sad hippy pleading for peace at Altamont. Still, nice kitten...
3/10
PH
Standard Snoop Doggery
“Here’s the artwork for new album, Mr Dogg. It’s you sat on a throne, smoking a cigar, with your loyal hound by your side.”
“Why thank you, Mr Artwork Man… hold up, this ain’t right. There’s only one dog on here, other than myself Snoop Dogg. I thought we agreed on two dogs and one Dogg.”
“Well, to be honest, it was looking a bit cluttered…”
“No. I want TWO dogs. And I want one of them to have a diamond muzzle. Change it up.”
[Some time passes...]
”Here’s that new cover. You, a throne, two dogs, one with a diamond muzzle.”
“OK, this is looking good… but you know what I’m thinking?”
“No.”
“More dogs.”
“Ah.”
“Reckon you can cram a couple more in there? One with a gold collar please.”
“Er, OK. Anything else?”
“Yeah, two limos.”
[Some more time passes…]
“Here are those updates..”
“Add a damn castle.”
[Later...]
“Version 4 coming your way…”
“Make the castle say Snoop World.”
“Don’t you think that’s Snoop overkill? I mean, you’ve got Snoop Dogg in massive diamonds directly above…”
“Do I have to tell you twice?”
[Later still...]
“I think we’re just about there.”
“Except we aren’t. Where’s the giant golden orb behind my name?”
“I…”
“Chop chop.”
[Finally…]
“Right, here it is. Snoop Dogg, a throne, FOUR dogs, one diamond muzzle, one gold collar, two limos, a castle with Snoop World written on it, and a giant glistening orb the size of the sun. And I also put a helicopter in there because I had a feeling you were about to ask for it. Before I collapse with exhaustion is there anything else you need?”
“The album title!”
“Which is?”
“Da Game Is To Be Sold, Not To Be Told”
“What does that even mean?”
*shrugs*
10 diamond encrusted canes out of 10
GM
