And that’s it from me for tonight – we’ll be back here tomorrow with more of the same. Only not the same, because different stuff will have happened. Tomorrow’s Friday – you’re not actually going to be working, are you? Of course not.

I wish you all success in your evening’s endeavours. Right: PUBTIME.

Here’s the new trailer for Exodus: Gods and Kings. Christian Bale is the plague-slinger Moses taking the bottom-kickings to the Egyptians, like wot dun and happened in the Old Testament and that.

The main thing I’m taking from this is the ease with which those subjugated into slavery in summink-summink BC could get hold of adequate supplies of guyliner.

It looks good though, yeah? It’s got to be better that Noah. Noah was rubbish.

Flying Lamar? Kendrick Lotus? Flydrick Lamus? None of those? All of them? Shut Up? Anyway, check out this vid from the rapper-and-beatsmith collaboration, which somehow makes a children’s funeral – yes, really – into a bangin’ pan-street dance two-hander. Remarkable.

Is...this ok? After today I honestly don’t know – Maroon 5 have shifted the goalposts so much today I’m not even sure I need to wear trousers any more.

If this doesn’t warm you geeky cockles then you’re some kind of stone-hearted, barely human beast. Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher were papped at a chariddy do yesterday, looking all chirpy and that. Reassuring proof that Botox exists no matter how long ago or far away you happen to be.

At the time of writing, it’s only 441 days, 8 hours and 24 minutes until Episode VII is released. Not that I’m counting. Nurp.

If you finish at 5 you’ve got around 35 minutes until you’ll be tasting that sweet, sweet nectar. To get you through, try this: the new album from Virginian Americana-indie lads White Laces. It’s called Trance and, while it shares some DNA with the War On Drugs (it’s produced by a bloke who’s worked with them), it lacks that overpowering, sickly, air-punchy reverb that turns so many people off them – including, as it happens, me.

See what you think and let us know, eh?

YES ADAM LEVINE. HERE’S ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HOW TO DO THIS PROPERLY. This is the debut single by the brilliantly named Gengahr, the video of which depicts all sorts of sinister goings on at a seance.

The single’s out on the 27th Oct on Transgressive. Pretty good, no?

If you don’t watch American Horror Story (you fool!) you might wonder why the title sequence of any show is worthy of inclusion on an illustrious liveblog such as the one that’s dripping into your eyebits right now. But AHS’s titles are different – a nastily, appropriately creepy (take note, Maroon 5. See below) series of gruesome images with noises from the pits of Hades.

The new one for series 4, Freak Show, disappoints not one bit.

How does it stack up against the third series, Coven?

Or Asylum, series 2? That statue.

Or the original’s?

I think they’ve nailed it, because clowns and stuff. Right, I watched all of those in a row and I’m pretty strung out. Expect gifs of adorable kittens for the next 2 hours.

Just...argh. You know when..? Wait, I...HNNNNG. I...just..need to gather.. I can’t... Oh god. Ohgodohgodohgod. Aaaaaaaaah.

I mean, it’s alright, isn’t it? Veering thrillingly close to tacky-as-cheap-Blu-Tak Europop, and spliced with the kind of bubbling synths that are now so ubiquitous your brain filters them out through some kind of feedback loop, it definitely doesn’t offend...

...but the problem is, that silence after the song finishes isn’t in fact silence at all - it’s the cacophonous sound-void of no one at all being blown away. What do you think?

Oh, an please insert a comment of your own here about Sam Smith’s STOOPID hairdo, because I’m a busy man and I simply do not have time. Grats.

Here’s the new teaser from The Last King Of Scotland director Kevin Macdonald’s new sub-sea thriller Black Sea, in which a crew of submariners seek to plunder a U-Boat full of Nazi gold. As you might imagine, things don’t end with them all sipping mojitos on a beach on the south coast of France.

In addition to Law’s Scottish sea dog, the cast includes, among others, David Threlfall, Michael Smiley, Ben Mendelsohn and Scoot McNairy. It looks claustrophobic, exciting and tenser than a MasterChef final. Looking forward to this.

Perhaps more, or less, interestingly, this is the latest in a conga line of trailers to use the “BRRRRAAAAM!!” noise from Inception, that loosens filling and bowels in equal measure, to instil a cloying sense of dread. You know the one. This one.

This one:

I was going to compile a list of some of other trailers that had, ahem, ‘borrowed’ this technique but Indiewire beat me to it. On reflection, this saved me several minutes of arduous embedding work. So, you know, cheers Indiewire.

Now, after me: BRRRRRAAAAAAMMMMM

“Baby I’m praying on you tonight, hunt you down, eat you alive” is but one awful line in an odious ditty comprised of them. The video shows Adam Levine adopt the role of a lecherous, perverted stalker who works as a butcher by day but follows his “love” around by night, breaking into her apartment and taking pictures of her sleeping. Because “edginess”, of course. It’s baffling to think that nowhere along the line did anyone say, “Erm, Adam? This is creepy, wrong, wildly inappropriate and makes you look like a preposterous eejit.”

I’d like to type a 3,000 word treatise on why this is tripe, but The Guardian’s Jessica Valenti has pretty much nailed it here.

It’s in cinemas November 14th, but here to whet you appetite is this really, really long trailer for a film which – with its plummy accents, period setting and second-world-war triumphalism – appears to be the most British thing ever created by anyone ever. Starring Sherlock himself and Keira Knightley, it looks predictably rousing and sumptuous, but be warned – this is one of those trailers that removes any actual need to see the film as it tells you every single thing that happens in it. Stupid.

Check out this new song from GRADES, a belting garage renaissance which sounds like a big sexy baby made from a weird, biologically-improbable copulation between Shanks & Bigfoot, the Artful Dodger and DJ Luck & MC Neat. It’s a little bit good, and will sweep you back to halcyon days of Kappa tracksuits, smoking indoors, Orange VKs and Craig David being really good.

Agree/disagree with these?

@guideguardian White Stripes, Jolene... https://t.co/ZgCDzDG09h #EvenThoughTheOriginalisAmazing

— Wriggle London (@Wriggle_London) October 2, 2014

OOF. This is great:

@guideguardian a german band turns Rihanna's "Umbrella" into a rockabilly song https://t.co/a8TEA9NpRZ

— Tiphaine (@JumpyJellyfish) October 2, 2014

Bit maudlin, but good:

@guideguardian Tori Amos cover of Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit

— r mckay (@rigm) October 2, 2014

Better than Metallica’s?

@guideguardian I've always loved PULPs Whiskey In The Jar too.

— EatSleepDaveRepeat (@davecussons1970) October 2, 2014

But this is an affront to all that is good:

Not literally, obviously, no need to call the constable. Adam Sandler, a man who’s probably now most famous for making one decent film in the last decade, has signed a four-movie deal to produce original content for Netflix, meaning he’ll produce and star in something a minimum of FOUR MORE TIMES, right in your house, like some kind of burglethief. No official word yet on what these films might be, but the Guide Daily – scurrilous bloodhound for news and scoops that it is – has gained exclusive access to Sandler’s initial fish-out-of-water pitches. Admittedly, this is because I’m about to make them up.

• Happy Gilmore 2: Happy’s Pappy Scrappy Club - Happy lashes out at a hapless paparazzo, beating him half to death with a toffee hammer he;s recently taken to playing golf with. This is his first foray into the murky world of Pappy Scrappy Club, a rabbit-hole of inter-pap violence, urban terrorism and unravelling minds. The first rule of Pappy Scrappy Club? Bring own biscuits. In the end everyone ends up loving Happy, despite the fact he’s clearly an appalling person.
• Stag Do Derring-Do - Sandler and his middle-aged mates - Kevin James, David Spade, the relentlessly alive Rob Schneider – hit Prague for Sandler’s stag. There, amid vaguely racist and sexist ‘japes’ and ‘capers’, they smugly learn much about themselves, their friendship, and their respective relationships with inexplicably attractive women. They return improved, yet still, to a man, utterly appalling people.
• Munch Funk Love - Sandler, crippled with a smorgasbord of social anxieties, finds confidence within the sequinned world of funk. There, here meets a beautiful, quiet soulmate in Drew Barrymore, whom Sandler woos by composing a funk number about popular chocolate and caramel confection Munchies. They live happily ever after, despite the song itself and everyone involved in the film being truly appalling.
• The Daughter Boy - Combining that adorable, innocent, childlike character he he plays in those Adam Sandler films with his penchant for hil-airy-arse cross-dressing, Sandler enters himself into a beauty pageant dressed as his sister to get back at his parents who never believed in him. By the time Rob Schneider has shouted “YOU CAN DOO EET!” everyone loves him, despite his blatant appallingness in every regard. His character is arrested for identity fraud and promptly sectioned, never to be heard from again.

And the twittersphere has reacted pretty much as you’d expect it might: brilliantly.

There’s smut:

"I think I'd like tea bagging I might give it a try I think my husband's scrotum Would taste of shepherd's pie" #nationalpoetryday

— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) October 2, 2014

Glass-half-fullisms:

i like it when it's raining when i stagger oot the boozers for folk never notice where ah've piddled doon mah troosers. #nationalpoetryday

— euan mccolm (@euanmccolm) October 2, 2014

Wordplay:

They say the most endangered species Is the Panda Bear In second place, should be the steak For they are medium-rare #NationalPoetryDay

— Karl Minns (@karlminns) October 2, 2014

Cows:

In Scotland, you see A "haiku" is just a cow Sitting in a tree #NationalPoetryDay

— David (@theplaguedoc) October 2, 2014

And it already gone po-mo:

On #nationalpoetryday I'd just like to say It doesn't have to rhyme Or scan properly Really Or even make much sense I can taste toast

— Nick Pettigrew (@Nick_Pettigrew) October 2, 2014

Tweet us you poems and – if they’re clean enough – I’ll put them up

Seen it yet? No? Yes? It doesn’t matter, you should still check The Dark Knight himself chatting to the Guardian’s own Xan Brooks about his role in David Fincher’s latest, the brilliant Gone Girl.

While you’re at it, here’s the Guide’s interview with David Fincher from Saturday’s issue, in which he says many interesting and important things.

As an aside, for anyone about to start a new job who’s worried about whether they’ll be able to thrive in a new role, it’s worth remembering that David Fincher also directed this, which is possibly the best/worst thing I’ve ever seen.

Following the bluegrass cover of Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda I posted earlier I asked for your suggestions for cheeky cover versions that were better than the original, and, by Jove, you provided. Too many for a single blog post in fact, so they’ll go up in batches throughout the day.

We’ll start if we may with one of our own suggestions: take a few minutes to marinate in the life-changing excellence of this yee-haw version of Snoop’s Gin And Juice:

Here’s what you had to say:

@guideguardian Punch Brothers used to do a mean cover of Heart In A Cage by the Strokes

— So Solid Huw (@HuwOliver) October 2, 2014

This is superb:

@guideguardian YES! best spice girls cover ever https://t.co/Np2gvzwHjA

— peter mcgaughrin (@petermaaac) October 2, 2014

Clearly! God the nineties were weird:

@guideguardian Mike Flowers Pops version of Wonderwall, clearly.

— Record Rewind Play (@recrwplay) October 2, 2014

Bit of Beatles:

@guideguardian Fiona Apple’s version of “Across The Universe” is the only cover of a Beatles song that’s better than the original.

— David Hepworth (@davidhepworth) October 2, 2014

Yes. Yes indeed.

Better than the original? You are having a carafe:

@guideguardian The Man Who Sold The World - Lulu

— MissusVee (@MissusVee) October 2, 2014

@guideguardian Ray Lamontagne's cover of 'Crazy' by Gnarls Barkley. Amazing!

— Karen O'Connor (@KarenLOC) October 2, 2014

Hasn’t he just made a great song a bit...boring, though?

Keep them coming and I’ll try to put them all up.

This is great: Los Angeles foursome Franciso The Man’s debut single It’s Not Your Fault ticks all the right boxes – Weezer-esque punk-pop (see: NOT pop-punk) that wades languorously through the verses, swirls triumphantly through the choruses and doesn’t outstay its welcome. Please hurry up and release that album lads – then I can stop listening to Everything Will Be Alright In The End and crying because it’s pants.

One last promo of Christopher Nolan’s first film since The Dark Knight Rises has been released, showing Matthew McConaughey in various states of space-peril. The film’s released on November 7th, and it look pretty good doesn’t it? Yes, is the answer. Yes it does.

Taylor Swift is pretty ace, I’m sure we can all agree on that (and if you don’t then check out the Guide’s interview with her from back in August), and now she shows herself to be even acererer..erer by posting these outakes for the Shake It Off video, in which she is demonstrably terrible at ribbon dancing but a right good laugh about it. I wish she was my Best Friend.

Take a deep breath and rejoice, for it’s another glorious day at the wondrous coalface of all things pop culture. I’ll be here keeping you in procrastination elation until pubtime, so sit back, relax, and bask in the unutterable brilliance of this bluegrass cover version on Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda, without a single twerking bottom in sight.

And here, for comparison, is the original:

The bluegrass version, to anyone with sense, is clearly better. So this begs the question: what cheeky cover versions are better than the original songs from which they take inspiration? Let me know and I’ll post them here for all to see. Go on.