Leave your valuables at home, dear readers, and saddle up your horses. It's time for another journey into the forest of rumour surrounding Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe's Robin Hood movie. The film's official title is Nottingham, you will recall, it having been billed as a sympathetic take on the Sheriff of Nottingham's side of the story - but Lost in Showbiz has long since rechristened it Russell Crowe: Thieftaker.

Alas, despite the movie still being in pre-production, the buzz is simply horrible, with Russell alleged to be in possession of a potentially production-sinking ego, and several stone of excess fat.

We might eventually have to rechristen it Heaven's Weight.

By way of a recap, Nottingham's ride has long been a bumpy one. No sooner had it been announced, than the negative whispers began, and in July last year, pre-production was halted. Universal Pictures' statement on the matter cited script and foliage concerns - specifically, "the film's forest locations need to be green".

Imagine the delight, then, when the movie rose again, Lazarus-like, in leafy October, and Lost in Showbiz once more dared to dream that Russell would reprise the hilarious English accent he deployed previously for Ridley, in Gladiator. ("Are you nut entertained? Are you NUT entertained? Is this nut why you are here?") Sienna Miller was announced as Maid Marian, and Russell's thoughts turned to hosiery. "I will not wear tights," he informed an interviewer, "because, according to our research, they weren't invented for another 300 years. I apologise for that and to Sienna Miller."

All that remained was for Ridley to reiterate that this seriously was a movie in which audiences would be required to root for a guy who robs the poor to feed the rich - the perfect picture for the financial crisis, really - and to reveal that Russell would be playing both Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, the Christmas period was marred by a spate of stories claiming that Russell was trying to get his erstwhile mentor fired from the project, and that our favourite Faux-stralian currently weighs approximately 26st (I exaggerate slightly). "Ridley is the only one who is willing to stand up to Russell," one source told the New York Post, "and tell him he's too fat and that he can't show up four hours late to the set." Russell, in contrast "wants someone he can control".

As if to confirm the rumours, the producers denied them utterly, laughing that everything was "full speed ahead". A verdict only slightly undermined by the fact that Sienna Miller has now been given the axe. Or rather, "has been released from the picture", reportedly for being sufficiently young and pretty to make Jabba the Russ feel awkward in the love scenes. Casting are now searching for "an older, plumper actress in her late 30s or early 40s".

How about that Heather off EastEnders?

Then again, having reconsidered the problem, a blindingly obvious solution presents itself.

Why should Russell himself not take the role of Maid Marian? Face it: he's already playing everyone else in the movie - why shouldn't he stay au naturel for Marian, with only the addition of a wig, but don fatsuits for both his Sheriff and Robin roles, the better to throw his Marian into slender relief?

I know what you're going to say. Fatsuits, multiple roles - this isn't exactly Oscar-bait, is it? It's all desperately ... Eddie Murphy. And Lost in Showbiz would reply: shame on you. Shame on you for thinking the Academy would be unable to celebrate Russell's infinite versatility as a performer just because he was swaddled beneath several layers of sculpted latex. Oh, they may have been bigoted about stunt-adipose in the past, but if I know our team player Russ, he'd be the first to dedicate his historic victory during his Best Actor acceptance speech.

"I'd like to thank the Academy," this sob-wracked podium address must run. "But most of all I'd like to thank [deep breath, choke back tears] ... I'd like to thank the guys who went before me, the pioneer thespians who made this possible. I'd like to thank the great Eddie Murphy [rapturous applause], who mastered his craft in a time of terrible prejudice, when people were so appalled by his work in Norbit that they literally couldn't bring themselves to give him Best Supporting Actor for Dreamgirls that same year, even though he was actually quite good in that. I'd like to thank Martin Lawrence for his Big Momma's House, and his beautiful Big Momma's House 2 ... [he is momentarily overwhelmed by tears] ... You my man, Martin!" And so on.

Come on, Universal! Let's break down some barriers with this one.