"On occasion, a fan can become so obsessed they turn violent toward the object of their obsession," Steven Soderbergh recently confessed, thus aligning himself with celebrity stalkers and Star Wars devotees. The object of Soderbergh's obsession was Michael Cimino's legendary 1980s flop Heaven's Gate, which he recently confessed to re-editing. He removed scenes, excised peripheral characters, shuffled the story, and shaved the 220-minute running time by 50%. That's unlikely to retrieve the movie from the top of cinema's "epic failure" pile, but it does open up enticing possibilities for "improving" some other movies.
The Wolf of Wall Street
No stranger to drug-fuelled excess himself, Martin Scorsese was perhaps not the safest pair of hands when it came to documenting similar excesses in the banking industry. Seriously, would anyone even have noticed if this three-hour splurge took a 50% cut in scenes of qualudes, naked women, wads of cash and tracking shots across offices full of men in ties shouting down phones? We get the message, Marty: you've still got it in you. Next time, keep it in you.
The Hobbit
Let's see. It took Peter Jackson a total of 558 minutes to do The Lord of the Rings, which works out at about 30 seconds a page. By that ratio, The Hobbit should have taken two-and-a-half hours. That could have been one rip-roaring Middle Earth epic; instead we get an earnest fantasy trudge that's more like Game of Thrones without the sex. We all know the reason: if Jackson had made The Hobbit a single film, New Zealand's credit rating would be junk. But couldn't they at least put more sex in it?
Metropolis
When Giorgio Moroder tried to do a Soderbergh on Fritz Lang's sci-fi urtext in the 1980s, he was pilloried by the purists – most of whom had doubtless never sat through the original. Yes, it's brilliant, epic, visionary and influential, but it's also a bit of a slog. It's full of plot holes and pretty patronising toward "the masses". And there aren't any Freddie Mercury songs. Can't we go back to the 1980s one?
The Amazing Spider-Man 2
Modern superhero movies feel obliged to cram in as much as possible: multiple villains, romance, comedy and expensive green-screen effects sequences to make you feel you're getting your money's worth – but still look pretty fake anyway. Take all the dumb action out of the latest Spider-Man and pick some bits of Emma Stone off the cutting room floor, though, and you've got an effective, tragic teen drama. Just flash up the words "BIG ACTION SCENE HERE" every now and then, and we'll get the picture.
L'Avventura
Back in the 1960s, Antonioni's mood piece was hailed as an atmospheric study of modern ennui. In today's terms, that translates as: "Just get on with it!" Film pacing isn't what it used to be. To bring Antonioni's masterpiece back into line with current attention spans, perhaps the film could just play on fast-forward for all those long wandering-about bits? You'd still be able to read the subtitles so you wouldn't miss it if anyone said something.
Gravity
It was an immersive headtrip when you saw it in 3D at the Imax, but back on the living room flat-screen it's not quite the same, is it? Maybe if they cut out some of those leisurely spacewalks and quasi-spiritual musings and focused on Sandra Bullock getting into the ship. And what if she found there was some deadly space monster hiding in there, too? Now you're on to something.
Which films would you like to see improved by a hefty cut? Let us know below.
