LIAM NEESON: FLASHPUNCH
Little Liam Neeson was a boy with an impossible dream: he wanted to be an action star. But kids couldn’t just become high-octane movie stars in small-town 1950s Northern Ireland. No, they were expected to toil and graft in the family business of starring in prestigious dramas about weighty issues. “But Da,” little Liam would cry to his father, “I just wanna drive a car through a shopping centre while firing a machine gun at a terrorist.” “Nonsense, son,” his dad would growl, “You’ll make a harrowing Bafta-winning biopic about a wrongly imprisoned freedom fighter, just like my father and his father before him.” At first Liam agreed. But, at night, he’d sneak off and practise kicking foreigners down the stairs…
MRS PATMORE: FIRST BLOOD
Beryl and Violet grew up as aristocratic sisters in the faraway land of Downton, until the day Beryl injured Violet by cyrokinetically flinging a sausage at her. Fearful of this ever happening again, their parents kept Beryl trapped downstairs in their sprawling abbey while Violet was allowed to grow up to become a waspish dowager. Over the years, Beryl’s memories of the accident receded, and she began to answer to the name Mrs Patmore. Features the hit song Let It Go from Frozen, with lyrics reworked to better communicate Patmore’s love of dripping.
BARRY SCOTT: BREAKING BANG
Diagnosed with a debilitating illness that forced him to communicate in nothing but inexplicably cheery honks, Barry Scott reluctantly decided to pay for treatment by entering into the illegal household cleaning product industry. Barry knew that his product was good – good enough to essentially render low-denomination coins unusable – but he soon found himself encroaching on the territory of the big cartels: Cif, Oust and Viakal. To survive, he’d have to play dirty. This, truly, is the journey from Mr Muscle to Mr Big.
BLIGE BEGINS
The microphone-shaped scar on her forehead always told Mary J Blige that she was different. Soon she would discover the truth: she was adopted, and her real parents were powerful R&B singers. Before long she’d travel to a magical performing arts school called Croonwarts, and train under the tutelage of Professor Luther Van Dumbledross. “You’re a singer, Mary,” Dumbledross would tell her, before revealing her true destiny – moving to London in order to record some jumped-up cover versions of Sam Smith and Disclosure songs.
LEVI’S ROOTS
After watching his parents get murdered at the hands of notorious cockney gangster HP Soss, little Levi Roots retreated into the darkness. He wanted vengeance, but he also wanted to understand fear itself. He first attempted to own this fear by prowling the streets doling out violent justice dressed as a bottle of spicy condiment, but this proved impractical. Then came his masterstroke: if he couldn’t physically beat the criminals, then he’d make his own sauce, write a song about it, and make it inanely catchy enough to drive them all to the point of suicide. This is where the Reggae Reggae Sauce song came from, and this is why Levi Roots should be feared.
IAIN DUNCAN SMITH: THE BANTAM MENACE
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Iain Duncan Smith was the most adorably tousle-haired little scamp in the galaxy. However, as he grew up, Smith found himself lured by the self-interested and fiscally conservative motives of the dark side; the shadowy elite ruled by the evil emperor J’on-Majorr. Over time, this sweet boy found himself corrupted into using his abilities for evil, until he was finally able to assume the mantle of Most Powerful Entity In The Universe for, like, almost two years. Then he got sacked and demoted to the Department for Work and Pensions.
THE AMAZING DANGER MOUSE
Dinky Littlepaw was an average teenage mouse, until he was bitten by a radioactive person during a trip to the bins by the Ulverston branch of Greggs. To his dismay, Dinky began to develop highly advanced human abilities. He could stand on his hind legs, communicate fluently in English and express an interest in wearing tight polo-neck sweaters that were the exact colour of his actual skin, just like all humans do. Would these powers mean that Littlepaw could fight crime? Let’s say yes.
Dracula: Untold is in cinemas now
