The news did not stop for Christmas. It did not open any presents. It did not watch crap films with a hangover or compulsively overeat until it began to sweat gravy. The news forged ahead without you, and you’ve fallen behind. Here’s a roundup of everything you’ve missed:
• The final episode of the BBC One sitcom Miranda was narrowly beaten in the ratings by Mrs Brown’s Boys, proving once and for all that a woman pulling a funny face and then falling over isn’t as funny as a man dressed as a woman pulling a funny face and then falling over.
• The unstoppable force of Kanye West collided with the immovable object of Paul McCartney, producing a new song called Only One. It is precisely as touching and tender as you would expect from a song about how great Kanye West’s mother thought Kanye West was.
• Back to the Future Part II was set in 2015. Remember all the fuss about the first world war last year? Well, replace all the soldiers with hoverboards and you’ll understand exactly how annoying this year will be.
• The Conservatives have released an election poster, featuring an image of a road and the caption “Let’s stay on the road to a stronger economy”. This is the first step of their newly-forged “wearing people down into a state of blank acceptance with glaringly hamfisted symbolism” strategy.
• Controversial movie The Interview was released online, to the chagrin of all terrorists who exist to forcefully quell the voice of anyone who enjoys telling loads of rubbish jokes about their bums a lot.
• According to details of a government report, we can first expect to officially hear news of a catastrophic nuclear disaster on Twitter. So it’s likely that the last thing you’ll read before your skin blisters and your eyeballs melt will be a badly-formed pun about mushroom clouds by David Schneider.
• Billionaire Elon Musk has divorced his wife for the second time in three years, proving that marriage is difficult when you’ve got a name that sounds as if it should be a funny anagram for something.
• Ed Sheeran became the biggest-selling artist of the year, with his album X being streamed 430m times around the world. He’s now officially the Taylor Swift it’s OK to make insensitive Stig Of The Dump jokes about.
• Driverless cars are to be trialled in four locations around the UK. And yet still no hoverboards.
See? This year’s going to be intolerable.
• Also there was a horrific plane crash, someone in this country has Ebola, rail prices continue to rise above the rate of inflation and you’re skint and overweight and back under the thumb of an employer who basically doesn’t care if you live or die. Happy new year!
