Finally, researchers have figured out the deep truth of what charisma is, and it’s basically “just being quick”. Yeah, George Clooney: I’m on to you, buddy. According to a University of Queensland study, the ability to think and act quickly is a key column around which the most intangible of personality traits is built. They backed up their findings with a do-it-as-quick-as-you-can general knowledge quiz, and found that those who completed it quickly were viewed as more charismatic by their friends. The study also looked at the most likeable musicians, leaders and celebrities. “When we looked at charismatic leaders, musicians and other public figures, one thing that stood out is that they are quick on their feet,” research leader William von Hippel said. “Our findings show that social intelligence is more than just knowing the right thing to do. Social intelligence also requires an ability to execute, and the quickness of our mind is an important component of that ability.”

So, as the new findings suggest, this whole charisma scam has less to do with social intelligence or just good ol’ fashioned IQ, and more to do with mental speed and – crucially – the ability to just blurt something out rapidly whenever someone says anything to you. That’s probably why gurgling toddlers are so charismatic before the crushing weight of societal norms sort of squeeze that impulsiveness out of them, because they say “poo poo, wee wee, baby wants a biscuit” a lot. Some people avoid that particular social speed delimiter, and boom: they become Timmy Mallett, Joe Swash or Davina McCall.

Obviously I say this as a deeply uncharismatic man, but I’m not sure charisma is all it’s cracked up to be. Because though it’s often the reason that we gravitate towards especially attractive and sparkly-smiled Hollywood types, charisma – much like the Force in popular upcoming nerd film Star Wars – has a dark and a light side, a power that can also be harnessed for evil. Put it this way: nobody has ever voted for someone who didn’t have charisma. Pretty much every movie baddie-level dictator in history has had it in spades. Gordon Brown was essentially a moving black hole for it – scientists should have studied how light and happiness were refracted and dulled when they came anywhere near him during his Labour tenure, and maybe they might figure out a way to develop wormholes or alternative energy sources as a result – but that and the “bigoted woman” thing are probably the reasons he lost out to the dual perky-faced charisma dream team of Cameron and Clegg.

We underestimate the power of Dark Charisma. Look at Katie Hopkins or Nigel Farage: even if you don’t agree with all his myriad bad opinions, you sort of still want to go for a pint with him. I often sit and imagine myself being pals with Farage – he’s creeping up behind me in a cosy country pub and covering my eyes before whisper-braying “guess who?” He’s telling me that I’ve got something on my front and flicking my nose when I look down; we’re circling, Rose-and-Jack-style, hand-in-hand in a dewy meadow full of wildflowers – before he says something like “dim sum are just dumplings for bastards” and the fantasy is shattered. But there’s still something about his glowing eyes that attracts people towards him like a magnet. Look at the million-plus people who signed the Jeremy Clarkson petition after he allegedly punched someone over a hot dinner, if you want more evidence of the power Dark Charisma can have. We are all under its thrall. 

Obviously the only possible solution to this is: ban charisma. If children show signs of being quick-witted and socially savvy, we need to give them etiquette classes to make them self-conscious to the point of muteness. We need to cripple their ability to land a devastating bon mot before they rise up and Farage us all.

We need to make their heroes Michael Owen, Lewis Hamilton and Tess Daly – “look, kids, you can still rise to the top despite being a personality vacuum” – and not these vloggers they have these days, who are pure charisma distilled into the clean good looks and perfect white teeth of an approachable twentysomething. We need to put a stop to charisma before it envelops us all. Now all we need is someone quite quick-witted and likeable to lead the campaign against it.