This year’s Academy Awards have the potential to be the worst in history: nobody wants to host them and it’s hard to get excited about any of the nominees. Thankfully, we are still able to salvage some joy from this year’s Oscars, because the annual Oscar nominee luncheon took place on Monday.
These luncheons are always terrific, partly for the fawning behind-the-scenes coverage they prompt (Vanity Fair reported a meeting between Bradley Cooper and Spike Lee that included the detail that “Cooper bowed his head and made prayer hands”), but mainly for the group photo that happens at the end. Every year this photo is perfect: a Where’s Wally of weird outfits and mistimed yawns and forced happiness. Here are this year’s winners and losers.
1. Most radioactive tan: Bradley Cooper (back row, seventh from left)
For the life of me, I cannot work out why Bradley Cooper is that colour. Has he mistaken lard for sunscreen? Did he accidentally get sprayed by manure on the way to the luncheon? Is he preparing for his role in an as-yet-unannounced Donald Trump biopic? I just hope he’s OK.
2. Jauntiest hat: Barry Alexander Brown (third row, ninth from left)
These class photos are usually a showground for all manner of ill-judged headwear. Not this year, though; only BlacKkKlansman editor Barry Alexander Brown dared to don a hat, and he pulled it off impeccably. Why, it almost looks as if he’s come as a one-man George Galloway tribute act. High praise indeed.
3. Least convincing alt-rock hippy: Viggo Mortensen (front row, fifth from right)
Viggo, for crying out loud, what the hell are you doing with your fingers? The peace sign? Who do you think you are, Ringo flipping Starr? Stop this wanton politicising of a public event. (Although let it be known that I will withdraw my scorn if it transpires that you were simply signalling to somebody offscreen how many hamburgers you wanted.)
4. Most sudden hand confusion: Mildred Iatrou Morgan (third row, far right)
Talk about drawing the short straw. Most of the nominees got a seat, which meant they could hide their hands in their lap. Sound editor Iatrou, though, ended up being stuck out on the end of a row. Nobody ever knows what to do with their hands in a position like this, so all power to her for going full splay.
5. Smartest LinkedIn profile shot: Will Fetters (second row, sixth from right)
A screenwriter like Fetters doesn’t have his photo taken very often, so it’s wise of him to angle his body away from the camera, clasp his hands together and squint like a moderately successful tech CEO. This pose screams: “I follow 30,000 people on Twitter and overuse the hashtag #selfstarter.”
6. Actual giant: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck (back row, eighth from right)
Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck has the best name in the world and is nearly 7ft tall. There isn’t a chance I’m going to be mean about him.
7. Biggest Avengers: Endgame spoiler (Sam Rockwell, fifth row, fifth from right)
You may remember that, in Iron Man 2, Sam Rockwell played a baddie with a full head of hair. You may also remember that, in Iron Man 1, Jeff Bridges played a baddie with no hair and a beard. Sam Rockwell attended the Oscar luncheon with no hair and a beard, which leads me to believe that Avengers: Endgame will contain a subplot about the botched genetic splicing of former MCU villains. Go crazy, internet.
8. Most eager to keep this meme thing going: Richard E Grant (back row, 13th from right)
Look at him. He’s just so happy to be there. Arise, internet’s new boyfriend.
9. Most weirdly solemn: Paul Schrader (fifth row, 17th from left)
Paul Schrader is either holding his hand to his chest because he’s so deeply honoured to be recognised by his own industry, or because he’s having a heart attack. Fingers crossed for the former.
10. Best dumb gawp: Skip Lievsay (third row, 13th from right)
I spy a competition here. Behind the giant Oscar, sound editor Skip Lievsay and visual effects supervisor Ian Hunter are both gawping like a pair out on a daytrip from the nursery. This is certainly deliberate, but only one of them can win this award. So the prize goes to Lievsay, who looks as if he’s just been clocked around the bonce with a frying pan. Full marks!
